I’ve been thinking a lot about stress lately. A few recent incidents with family and friends have brought to the fore for me the enormous negative impact stress can have on people’s physical health. I’ve also noticed, as I have started getting used to being retired and not working like a maniac all the time, certain improvements in my own health.
For example, I’ve had lower back problems for years. X-rays showed a slight issue, but nothing that isn’t common in people my age. I also know that my posture and exercise habits could be better. But I do my best and I keep a spare pillow in the places I tend to slouch (like my living room couch) to provide extra support. I have managed it fairly well over the last many years with daily stretches and regular massages. The stretches and massage were recommended to me after a particularly bad bout of back pain several years ago that required physical therapy (which helped a ton). Like my diabetes, my back pain just became something that I managed. I did ok, but I always knew when I was getting close to my massage appointment and sometimes had to move it up because I was feeling the strain in my back. I definitely took more ibuprofen than I’d like. But I managed and for the most part did ok.
Then I retired. I didn’t notice it at first but two years down the road I realize that my back is muuuuch better. I still do my stretches and get my massage, but I haven’t taken an ibuprofen for months. I still take care to sit right and bend my knees when I lift things, but my back is noticeably better than when I was working. Of course, other factors could explain this improvement. I would like to say that I started a vigorous exercise program when I retired and that has improved my lower back muscles. But I’m not really exercising much more now that I’m retired. That’s certainly still on my list of things to do in retirement, but so far retirement has only allowed me flexibility as to what time of day I exercise rather than increasing the overall amount. It could be because I don’t spend all day sitting behind a desk or conference table anymore, or because I don’t have to sit in a car for a daily commute. But earlier this summer it became clear to me that stress was a major if not the primary factor. I got into a very difficult conversation with someone I’m close to that upset me very much. When I woke up the morning after that conversation I could barely stand upright. My lower back was in so much pain that I was hunched over like a 100 year old woman. It was like flipping a switch. There was no doubt in my mind that the stress of the day before had gone straight to my lower back.
Of course, this isn’t some great revelation – doctors have been saying this for years. I have seen a direct correlation between my stress level and my blood sugar readings. My meter even has a box to mark myself as “stressed” if my blood sugar is high. A quick internet search yields 24 different medical conditions linked to or exacerbated by stress. Reading the rest of the results of that search was pretty depressing, or, dare I say –stressful – so I won’t go on about all the studies on how bad stress is. Suffice it to say that it literally causes structural changes in your brain, and the American Psychological Association site explains exactly how it messed up my back. See, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5579396/https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body
These articles also note that the impact increases based on the level and duration of the stress. Which leads to the next logical question, “So what are we going to do about it?”
When I was younger I dreamed of the stress-free life. I even looked at different professions, like running a Bed & Breakfast, until I realized that all of them brought their own stresses and hassles. There really is no such thing as a stress-free life. Even in retirement when I’m basically working for my cats 7 months out of the year, there’s stress. I stress over whether I should be more productive, exercise more or take up a new venture. It took me a year frankly just to learn how to stop.
But I do think there are different types of stress and that two of the biggest categories are “stress we can’t control” and “stress we can control.” In other words, when a friend gets sick, a pipe bursts, or world events get even crazier, that’s stress we didn’t create and can’t control , so we are not likely to find a way to eliminate it. Our focus then must be on how we respond to it and how best to manage the stress. But we all know we bring stress upon ourselves too. When we obsess about something that’s not worth the agita, when we pick fights with people, when we comment on social media posts from people we don’t know and never will care to – that’s stress we can control and potentially eliminate or reduce.
Again, I’m stating the obvious: “If everybody could control their unnecessary stress, we’d be better off.” Duh. Not so easy either. But it would be great progress just to 1) recognize these two different categories and identify which is which, and 2) focus on reducing the stress we can control. We will never be able to eliminate all stress – not even all controllable stress. But if level and duration matter, we may be able to make a dent.
How? I don’t have any magic answers. I guess trying to keep a sharper focus on what is really going on – “mindfulness” as it were. I say the Serenity Prayer to myself a lot, seeking the serenity “to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I would hope that most people don’t choose to create added stress for themselves, although many certainly do. Others don’t realize they created the stress themselves till much later. That “wisdom to know the difference” part can be very hard.
But I think it’s key. The hard part isn’t coming up with measures to take once you are already stressed – oceans, mountains, music, art, spas, travel, whatever floats your boat. The hard part is recognizing and avoiding the stress you don’t need to bring on yourself in the first place. So the next time you say “I have to work late because no one else can do this task,” or “I can’t ask for help with this because it won’t look good,” ask yourself “Is that really true?” (be honest). Most of the time I bet there are other people who can help or cover for you if needed. Similarly, if you are beating yourself up about something, stop. Just by feeling bad about it you already know enough (or should) to not do whatever it is next time. Cut yourself a break. That’s something everyone can control.
When thinking about “controllable” stress, I often think about a scene in the wonderful novella by Stephen King called The Langoliers. I’ll try not to spoil it for those who haven’t read it yet, but the basic premise is that a bunch of people get on a commercial airplane flight and about halfway through their journey about half the people on the plane just disappear. They manage to land at an airport and all the people there seem to have disappeared as well. There is one guy, a businessman with an important meeting in what was supposed to be their destination, who keeps exclaiming something to the effect of, “I must get to my meeting!!! I must get off this plane and get to my meeting. It’s a very important meeting and I’m a very important man!!!” The rest of the passengers are like “Dude, it looks like the universe disappeared. Your meeting is probably cancelled.”
Don’t we all know people like that? Convinced that there is no alternative to stressing and working even if there are others to cover for them or -I guess- if the universe disappears. I am positive that I am guilty of having done that. I know that I absolutely have added to my own stress. It’s really hard not to, especially when you are getting pressure from your boss or others to get it done yesterday. I got to the point where if someone came running to my office saying “We have an Emergency!!” I would first ask if someone was dying or something was on fire (both of which would constitute real emergencies in my mind). If the answer was “no,” I knew we could probably handle whatever it was without the sky falling.
So, one thing we can do when that awful stressful feeling starts bubbling up inside of us is ask ourselves whether it really is as much of a problem or emergency as we think it is. Is someone dying? Is something on fire? Has the universe disappeared? If the answer is no, take a breath and put it in perspective. Start putting one foot in front of the other. What you are stressing about may be important, but stressing about it doesn’t actually make it better or easier.
What can make it better or easier is putting one foot in front of the other and starting to get things done. I find lists to be very helpful. If you have a list of things you need to accomplish that day or week seeing it on paper may help you realize it’s very doable (or not, in which case you need to adjust your list or get help). What really made me feel better was then actually checking things off the list. It’s such a great feeling that it pushes you to do the next item. When you have checked everything off the list, tear it up dramatically and throw it away! Done!!!
There are lots of other tricks to use to try to ward off stress. Close your eyes for a few moments and imagine you are in one of your “happy places” instead of whatever stressful situation confronts you. Morning or evening meditations help if you have time. Pets can help you alleviate stress. I don’t know how people live without them. One of my cats is all black with a single round white spot on his chest. I sometimes imagine when I press that spot that I am somehow rebooting the world. He and I together just calming everything down. Everyone is going to have their own tricks and comforting things – I would love to hear what others do to calm themselves and reduce stress. Whatever your tricks are, just use them. One at a time. One foot in front of the other. Lots of deep breaths. Good luck!